One drop lavender oil

one drop chamomile German

put in 1 pint of water

mix/shake and use to clean baby during diaper changes

--Step one in a cure for diaper rash from, “The Fragrant Pharmacy”

The big decisions started early.  When Dominique and I found out I was pregnant we were in Namibia where I was working as a volunteer teacher at Rundu College .  We had both stopped working and uprooted ourselves to make the trip to Namibia and we’d started tossing around ideas about what to do after my volunteer service was over.

I had been freelancing, free styling, free living and gypsying about since finishing grad school in 2002, but the desire for security had started creeping up on me.  When I left New York for Namibia I said I'd be back to stay after the 11 months were up.  I’d had enough not earning enough and not having health insurance and I wanted to start saving, put down roots properly. 

“Congratulations."

With one word the doctor turned my entire being upside down.  I was thrilled and scared and broke and overjoyed and half insured and grateful for the quiet miracle unfolding in my body. 

“We’re gonna have to leave Namibia early.  We need to get things in order.” 

So we did.

I had a copy of “Fit Pregnancy” magazine and there were two articles I read over and over: one was about the benefits of having a midwife, the second was by a woman who had given birth at home.

I knew I wanted a midwife.  Five years earlier my best girlfriend had given birth at the Elizabeth Seton Childbearing Center in Manhattan .  I had gone to childbirth classes with her and her partner and I learned a lot about labor, natural childbirth, birthing positions, and midwives.  I liked the atmosphere in the birthing center; it was a warm, supportive and exciting place.  I wanted to give birth in a place like that.  I wasn't too keen on a hospital birth and I'd never considered home birth, the birthing center seemed like the perfect middle ground.  There was just one problem: the center had shut down.

I decided to try another option in Holland where I used to live a few years ago: a good friend who has been a midwife for over 20 years.  Early in our friendship I told her that if I ever had a baby I’d want her to be the midwife, now the time was here.  It turned out that for a bevy of reasons that couldn't happen either.  The main one being that we didn’t live within 15 minutes of my friend’s birthing facility.

“I know a wonderful midwife named Connie.  She is very into doing things natural.  She's great and she has curly red hair."

We got this information through a chance meeting at a local market in Tongeren , Belgium . Belgium was a temporary stop, a place in between places where we could collect our thoughts and figure out our next move. However, I was due to have a checkup soon and I needed to find someone to do it, so the info about the midwife was more than welcome. We made the appointment but were upfront about the fact that we still had no idea whether or not we were staying in the country. I liked Connie, the midwife, right off.  She was warm, wise, receptive, and a good listener . After spending more than an hour talking with her, I knew who my midwife would be.

Know this: I had said on more than one occasion that having a child in Belgium was not an option.  In the Flemish speaking part of Belgium a brown face is a rarity and if you didn't know it when you arrived, the open stares in your direction might give you a clue.  Dominique spent much of his youth as the lone brown person in this environment and when he set out to make a life for himself,  he left,  first to New York and then to Amsterdam. Imagine how surprised we both were when we found ourselves deciding that the best thing for our unsettled family would be to stay in Belgium for a while to get ourselves together.

I had said I wanted a midwife but honestly that didn’t mean I wasn’t interested in access to pain relief and it didn't mean that I wanted to give birth at home.  Hell, we didn't even have our own home, we were staying at Dominique's mother’s house.  But working with Connie would mean having a natural birth at home and I wanted to work with Connie. Health wise, I was a good candidate for a home birth, I just needed to wrap my mind around what it would mean. I decided I wanted to try. I had four months left to get prepared and let it all sink in.

In 1927, 85 percent of all births in the United States took place at home.  Even in the mid-1940s the majority of birth still occurred at home (55 percent).  Incredibly, by 1973, 91 percent of all babies were born in the hospital.

---“Birthing from Within.”

Between sessions with Connie, obsessive reading of , “Spiritual Midwifery,” “Birthing from Within,” and “Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth,” talks with other mothers, calls to my midwife friend in Holland, long talks with Dominique over nightly scoops of ice cream, and much soul-searching I began to feel really good about the choices we were making. The benefits of home birth and/or giving birth with a midwife or doula (birthing assistant) were staggering. I knew that while I couldn't control labor, I could trust my body, my midwife and my husband to help me through it.  I had friends in every corner of the globe supporting me.  Most of all I supported me.  I was committed to full surrender and tapping the special type of strength necessary to allow it.

Thirteen hours. It is called labour for a reason.  The three of us were an amazing team. Connie and Dominique were unflinching with their encouragement. Connie even made me laugh once.  And when I started going into “I-can’t-do-this-anymore”-land, they didn’t let me stay there.  And now she is here.  Healthy.  Beautiful.  Born at home.  Serene is here.

Serene is a beautiful girl.  She is much like I expected based on her behavior in the womb: feisty, hungry, responsive and then suddenly, unpredictably still.

She makes me laugh sometimes and want to cry others.  What does she need?  Why is she crying?  Why won't she sleep?  Is her diaper wet?  Why not?  Where did she get that strong set of lungs from?

When she is calm and comfortable, I feel peace beyond peace.  When she cries - and she does cry - it stirs something in me that I have never felt. When I look in her face I know there's nothing I wouldn't do for her. 

Serene is 4 1/2 months old now. Every day, decisions demand to be made.  Questions constantly present themselves.  There's no shortage of advice.  This journey called motherhood is.  Some days it's beautiful, some days it's frustrating, most days it's a combination of both in varying degrees.  I am reborn daily. With every step of this journey, I discover myself as mother.

For comments and suggestions you can also contact me by email: etallie@yahoo.com

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